Deal Breakers in a Relationship

There’s something subtle about knowing when something in your relationship is off. It doesn’t always come with flashing lights or a loud announcement. There’s not always an explanation you can put your finger on. Sometimes it’s just a feeling you finally let yourself acknowledge.

It’s a tiny voice of discontent in your gut. An emotional disconnect that grows between you two. A question you find yourself asking long after the world around you has gone silent.

What am I doing with this person?

You love them. You really do. But the relationship you have isn’t fulfilling you anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe you used to feel it, or maybe you hoped you could. But now? Now you’re just holding on, trying to make sense of it.

Trying to force yourself to understand. To be patient. To wait it out.

But you can’t force some things to be okay. You can’t work through everything.

Some habits don’t get better with time, they just happen over and over. Some issues don’t get resolved, they compound.

Deal breakers aren’t always huge, glaring problems that you recognize immediately. They aren’t black-and-white, easy decisions. They’re the things that slowly chip away at your relationship, making it unhealthy, feeling unsustainable, or just straight up painful to be with.

Deal Breakers in a Relationship

1. Trust Issues

Trust is foundational to any relationship. When you trust someone, you feel safe with them. You open up, you share parts of yourself, and you know that they won’t hurt you for it.

So what happens when that trust is broken? When someone betrays you, hides things from you, or consistently lets you down?

You start questioning things you never would have before. Small things begin to seem suspicious. You analyze every word they say looking for double meanings. Something might not actually be wrong, but you can’t shake that feeling that something is.

Doubt and distrust can tear you apart. They keep you on high alert, forcing you to question every detail of your relationship. Living without trust is draining, and it doesn’t get better over time.

2. Dishonesty

Similar to trust issues, having a partner who is often dishonest can really take a toll on you over time. Again, this doesn’t always have to do with surface level lies. Some people are just better at hiding things or making “white lies” than others.

You might catch them in small inconsistencies, or notice that you never quite get the full story. When you call them out on something, they’ll claim it’s no big deal or that you’re reading too much into it. You begin to question your own intuition.

Small lies might not feel like a big deal at first. But as they add up, you’ll start to feel crazy. Confused and exhausted by everything they say.

Eventually, you won’t trust yourself to know what’s real or not.

3. Disrespect

Relationships should never make you feel belittled or ashamed. But disrespect can be a slow deal breaker because sometimes it’s subtle at first.

Perhaps they’re sarcastic with you when you ask for their opinion. They laugh at something you’re passionate about, or openly criticize you when you’re feeling vulnerable.

Someone who doesn’t respect you will find reasons to make you feel inferior. They’ll smirk at your aspirations, or ridicule you when you mess up.

The emotional effects of dealing with disrespect can have you shutting down over time. You won’t want to share parts of yourself for fear of being ridiculed again. You may constantly question yourself and your self worth.

4. Poor Communication

Communication is healthy is BOTH people are listening and trying to understand one another. If someone consistently makes you feel unheard or shut down when you open up, that’s a red flag.

Maybe you try to bring up something that happened that made you feel upset. They turn it into an argument or question why you care so much. Every topic you try to discuss seems to hit a roadblock.

The words never come out how you intend them, so you stop trying.

As time passes, you stop expressing yourself altogether. You never really resolve anything because you just give up trying. Poor communication leads to bottled up feelings, resentment, and distance.

5. Emotionally unavailable partner

Can you have a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable? Maybe, but it’s generally unhealthy.

What does emotionally unavailable even mean? It sounds so cliché.

Someone who is emotionally unavailable can manifest in a lot of ways. They might have trouble opening up to you. Every time you try to develop a deeper connection, they switch the subject. You’re always the one trying to elevate your relationship, because they seem content staying where they are.

Relationships require vulnerability from both partners. If the person you’re with is unable or unwilling to meet you there, it will leave you feeling isolated and lonely.

6. Controlling Partner

Do you have to share every aspect of your life with your partner? Of course not. But if someone you’re dating starts nitpicking over your bank statements, asking who you spend time with every second of the day, or getting upset over small expenditures – that’s a form of control.

Maybe they don’t seem overbearing at first. They ask you questions about your day or want to know who you’ve been spending time with. It’s “cute” at first, but slowly their paranoia turns into them wanting to control your behavior.

If they want you to hang out with friends less so you won’t argue, that’s manipulative. Threatening to leave you if you don’t give them what they want, is also a form of control.

No one should make you feel bad for spending time with friends, having a job, or enjoying your money. Learn to recognize these controlling behaviors before they try to make you feel guilty for staying.

7. Having incompatible values

This one can be tricky. Everyone is different, and you don’t have to share the same exact values as your partner. However, some deal breakers are deal breakers for a reason.

If you want kids but they aren’t sure, that’s something you don’t want to ignore. If you want marriage, but they are dead set against it. You want to travel but they prefer to stay home.

Living with little differences isn’t a problem. Your partner not wanting to commit while you do is.

The truth is, we know when things in our relationship aren’t working. Deep down, we might justify it or make excuses why the behavior is okay. But we ignore these deal breakers for one reason: love.

We love these people and would rather believe they will change than lose them. We are afraid of being alone, so we stay in things that make us unhappy. We think we can fix people or that they’ll somehow get to a point where they can meet us where we need to be.

But that’s not how it works.

Walking away from someone is never easy. But trust me when I say it’s better than staying with someone who doesn’t respect or support you.

You deserve to feel secure in your relationship. You deserve to be able to talk to your partner about anything without fear of judgment or criticism. You deserve to feel loved, supported, and trusted by the person you’re dating.

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Orji Chigozie Henry

Orji Chigozie Henry is a law undergraduate at the University of Calabar, with a passion for personal development and education. He is a dedicated writer and teacher, committed to empowering young people to reach their full potentials.

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