Do you often feel that urge to go down the gossip road? Before you continue spilling the tea, take a minute and ask yourself. Do you need to? Is it even true? While we know the bad rep behind gossip, we still do it from time to time. Gossiping is, by definition, talking about other people’s private affairs when they are not around. It is one of those things that you can find anywhere – at work, at school, with friends and family. While it can be a harmless and nonjudgmental way to start a conversation, it also has a harmful and judgmental side. So, why do people gossip? Reasons are as different as people are, some start gossiping to get closer to other people, to find an ally, to fit in or to just follow the flow.
Gossip is that weird way of bonding with people. It makes you feel like you are part of a little club, connected through mutual friends. Gossiping about other people is just another way of enforcing certain group rules – Look what happened to her when she did that!
Gossiping gets in the way of healthy relationships at work and at home. It creates an unproductive and toxic atmosphere at work and drama and broken friendships among your friends and family. In order for us to be better at interacting with the people around us, we need to first understand why we gossip and then develop the habit of not doing it. Gaining a clear understanding of our motivation behind gossiping is the first step towards building trust and respect with the people around us.
How To Stop Gossiping
1. Identify the Urge to Gossip
Gossiping is nothing uncommon, it’s in our nature to be curious about the lives of other people. But it is possible to tame the urge for gossiping if you catch yourself and that’s the first step towards your success. People can get carried away with the conversations and participate in them without realizing that they promote disinformation and negativity. By being aware of this desire, people can take a moment and choose their own approach to the conversation and be the ones who set it on the right track.
2. Redirect Conversations
The best thing to do when you feel the urge to gossip is to change the subject. Don’t let the conversation bring you down and instead take it in a different direction where the entire group can participate in a positive, productive and respectful way. It’s easier said than done so try a few tips on your own and see which one works for you.
If you do not want to listen to the gossip, do not feed it and change the topic. Talk about new ideas, recent achievements, shared interests – anything but gossip. Ask open-ended questions, getting people to focus on positive things, and be sure to dish out some sincere compliments as well. By leading the conversation and showing an interest in others, you will slowly be able to steer them towards a more productive subject. This will eventually create a safe space where no one will feel offended or underestimated.
Related: 11 Practical Steps to Stop Being a Toxic Person
3. Recognize the Impact of Gossip
Another important step to taking control over the urge to gossip is to understand how it can actually harm your relationships with people. Gossip is destructive, no matter if it happens in the office or in your group of friends and family. You may think that spreading rumors or twisting information is just an easy way to make small talk and you might be right. But researches have shown that gossip has a major impact on the trust levels among people.
The effects of gossip are becoming more and more apparent among different circles of people. At work, gossiping lowers morale and productivity and increases absenteeism as people actively avoid certain coworkers. At home, gossip is a very easy way to make your friends and family feel uncomfortable and lose the trust you had built for years.
In any case, the privacy and personal matters of other people are not for sharing. When people find themselves being talked about behind their backs, relationships become strained or are cut off completely. As family and friendship bonds are based on trust and respect for each other’s privacy, any gossip that involves them will have a devastating effect on those relationships.
Gossiping is very much destructive for the work environment. It not only causes those negative side effects, such as low morale and job satisfaction, but it also ruins the work culture of a company or an organization. It gets the point where employees are actively afraid to share their opinion and speak out in fear of being gossiped about. This fear, as a result, has caused many companies to lose employees. By understanding the damage gossiping can cause to any circle of people, you will find it much easier to control yourself and do the right thing.
4. Take Responsibility for Your Words
Of course, if you want to keep away from gossiping, you have to take responsibility for what you say. Don’t speak right away, first ask yourself if what you have to say is of use to the people you are currently interacting with. Develop a habit of taking a pause before you speak – it will help you weigh your options and avoid the bad habit of gossiping.
Are you one of those people who always have something to say about other people? Check your own words. A good test is to ask yourself – Would I say this to their face? If the answer is no, then it is best to just keep it to yourself. Gossip happens usually in a certain environment, when people have a need to bond with each other and that need can be different for different people. This can be a feeling of stress, anxiety, insecurity or it can be something else. Learn your triggers, be aware of when you start to feel the urge to gossip. There are other ways to deal with stress and anxiety, other than gossiping and being able to find the root of the problem will help you find the solution as well. Another good tip is to always take a deep breath before entering a conversation. This will give you a chance to get a hold of yourself and pick the right words.
5. Set Clear Boundaries
It is quite important to draw some lines while trying to stop gossiping. First of all, you need to set your own boundaries. What is your stand on gossip? Are you against it? Why? Once you have a clear picture on that you can start informing the people you work and socialize with. But remember, be firm but also be nice. Start your sentence with Hey, guys. I am just not comfortable with. . . . Following that, you can move on to your reasoning.
One thing you need to remember while setting your boundaries is to make it personal. Instead of You guys gossip way too much, say I feel weird when the conversation gets so negative. This will ensure that the people you are setting these boundaries with will not feel attacked and start a healthy discussion instead.
Another trick you can use is to take the onus of changing the subject on yourself. If you have a coworker who is known for gossiping, tell them that you’d like them to talk about something else or steer the conversation in a different direction yourself. By focusing the discussion on work, or the positives that people around you bring, you are helping everyone feel more respected, and in the long run, helping everyone feel better about themselves.
6. Practice Active Listening
In order to let the desire for gossiping pass, you have to become a good listener. Active listening means being engaged in the process, trying to understand what other people are saying, be present and show your genuine care for them. By shifting your focus to paying attention to other people, you will be moving away from making judgments about them and their lives. This will automatically improve the quality of conversations you and your coworkers have. It will help you build better relations with the people you work with. This is because by not passing judgment on your coworkers and friends you are setting the stage for an honest and open line of communication. By showing active listening, you will be providing others with a space for deeper and better conversations, which, as a result, will move them away from the desire to gossip about other people.
Empathy is a huge part of active listening. One of the greatest side effects of showing empathy to others is that when people feel they are being heard and their opinions valued, they start to show more empathy to other people. To show empathy, all you need to do is maintain eye contact and nod at the appropriate time. You should also repeat what people say to ensure that you understood them correctly. Do not interrupt, and ask the occasional follow-up question to ensure that you are getting all the details. By showing empathy you will be creating a space where people will be able to speak their mind and reach a solution. These better, more in-depth conversations will steer everyone away from the temptation to gossip.
7. Critical Reflection and Empathy
It is important to ask ourselves these three important questions before taking part in a conversation that contains gossip. The three questions we should ask ourselves before taking part in any conversation are – Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? This act of self-reflection can be a great moral compass on which we can base our talks with other people. Another great way of changing the way we perceive and take part in conversations about other people is to practice empathy. If you take the time and try to understand the experiences of the people who the conversation was about, you are way more likely to develop compassion for them than to judge them. Practicing empathy will not only allow you to strengthen your relationships but also eliminate the need for gossip in the first place.
8. Surround Yourself with Positive Influences
Your social circle has a lot to do with the gossiping habits. There is a good chance that in order to kick this habit for good, you will have to reevaluate your friendships. The company you keep is a huge factor in your gossiping habits. Are there people around you who tend to speak negatively about other people, especially about you? There are a chance that they do it because they are highly insecure, and this kind of negative behavior on their part can easily bring down the vibe to toxic levels. Try spending more time with the people who are supportive and who engage in productive, positive conversations.
Try to surround yourself with people who are honest and who have positive things to say. You can do this at work by spending more time with certain coworkers or by joining some clubs, organizations and activities you are into. You can also get involved in your community and reach out to like-minded people. It is also important that you set an example for other people around you. Do not engage in gossiping and steer the conversations towards other topics. If people start gossiping, point it out and let them know that you are not a fan of such conversations. Instead, emphasize respect for other people and practice active listening. By surrounding yourself with the right people and setting a good example for other people, you will be able to kick the habit of gossip for good.
9. Seek Constructive Outlets for Sharing Concerns
When you feel down or worried, instead of gossiping, try to find constructive ways to channel your emotions. Journaling is a great way to express your emotions without dragging other people into it. Write down how you feel – it will help you make sense of your emotions and get your thoughts out there. Another way of getting help with your problems would be to reach out to a therapist or trusted advisor. There are also great support groups or community forums where you can reach out to other people, share your experiences and learn from them.
Related: 8 Strategies To Stop Being Negative
10. Commit to Personal Growth and Development
The most important step towards not gossiping is to work on yourself. The journey to becoming a better communicator is a lifelong journey, and by committing to it, you will find that over time you start to become more aware of your actions and can nip bad habits in the bud. There are many resources you can use for your growth and development, you can read books on proper communication, take some online courses on emotional intelligence or attend some workshops and practice your skills. You can also look into different support groups or social clubs that focus on personal development. Not only will this put you in the company of people who are also working on themselves, you will also get access to the tools and support that you need. By replacing the time and energy you would otherwise put into gossiping, with your own self-development, you are setting the stage for much more positive, more respectful communication.
Why Do People Gossip
1. Social Bonding and Connection
The most important reason that people gossip is the fact that it is one of the ways they connect with each other. Gossiping about other people’s private lives usually initiates the conversations between two or more people. By sharing these experiences, they establish a connection between each other. It also helps them to relate better to each other and feel that they are part of a group.
2. Information Gathering and Social Learning
Gossiping also is a way for people to gather information and learn about the behavior, preferences and values of the people they interact with on a daily basis. By being able to gossip, they learn more about social norms and what are expected of them in different social situations, and how to behave in certain situations. All of this will help them to navigate different social interactions better.
3. Emotional Regulation
One last, but not least reason that people gossip is that it is an emotional release. Venting out or talking about other people’s lives is a great way to release your emotions and help you de-stress. Talking about other people and your emotions will lead to a healthier you as well, as it will give you the chance to work through your experiences and your emotions. As a result, your emotional resilience will greatly improve.
4. The Pursuit of Power and Influence
The first important reason why people gossip is the desire to be the most powerful or influential one in a group of people. By getting information or a hot piece of gossip about another member of the group, a gossipmonger can try to assert their power or dominance in the group. It allows them to gain a sense of control over the situation. This, in turn, will allow them to feel better about themselves and their position in the group, as compared to the other members. In the same way, gossipmongers will often use the spread of false rumors or speculations in order to shape other people’s opinion about other people.
5. Entertainment and the Thrill of the Unknown
Fun and entertainment are also among the main reasons why people gossip. Many people find excitement and joy in reading or watching the latest news, especially if they are related to celebrities they adore. Gossiping about the lives of other people, whether celebrities or not, is also fun. But there is also an element of surprise, when you gossip, which can be really thrilling. In other words, it grabs people’s attention.
6. Gossip as a Result of Boredom
One of the other reasons why people gossip is because they are bored. When people have nothing to do, gossip gives them an opportunity to socialize and spend time together. In the same way, when people discuss other people and their private lives, it distracts them from their own reality and allows them to engage with the people around them.
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