Orji Chigozie HenryHealing from the damaging effects of having a narcissistic mother is hard work. Children of narcissistic mothers grow up with emotional pain, guilt, and confusion they often take into adulthood and beyond. Toxic childhood relationships can impact romantic relationships and self-esteem as adults.
By recognizing these signs you are healing from your mother, you can reassure yourself that you are moving forward. Acknowledging your progress encourages you to keep putting yourself first and focusing on your emotional and mental health.
Signs You Are Healing From a Narcissistic Mother
1. You Accept Your Feelings Without Feeling Guilty
Most children of narcissistic mothers were taught that their feelings were too much, making mountains out of molehills, or simply wrong. Healing comes when you allow yourself to feel your feelings completely and stop shaming yourself for feeling them.
You feel hurt when your mother criticizes your life choices. Instead of questioning whether you’re overreacting, you tell yourself, My feelings are valid. I have every right to feel hurt.
Check in with yourself each day. Ask yourself How do I feel? and name the emotion. Do not judge yourself for feeling the way you feel. With practice, you will become more emotionally in tune with yourself and give yourself permission to feel.
2. You Practice Setting Boundaries
Children of narcissistic mothers are often subjected to living to meet their mother’s needs while their own go unnoticed. Setting and keeping healthy boundaries is one of the best ways you know you are healing from your narcissistic mother.
She calls you at all hours of the day and night and expects you to drop everything to talk to her. You say: I’m unable to talk right now, but I will call you later. Boundaries don’t need to be huge. Start small and work your way up. You are not being cruel by setting healthy boundaries with your mother. You are taking your life back.
Related: How To Heal From a Narcissistic Mother
3. You Don’t Constantly Seek Approval
A narcissistic mother will never be satisfied with what you do. Kids who grow up with a narcissistic mother will spend their entire lives people-pleasing others. When you learn to trust your gut and approve of yourself first and foremost, you know you are healing.
Instead of asking for permission to do something you know is right for you, you say: I am choosing this career because I want to, not because someone thinks I should.
You don’t have to tell everyone about your achievements. Celebrate your successes by yourself or with people who support you. Every time you trust yourself, you are one step closer to learning to love yourself again.
4. You Stop Blaming Yourself for Everything
If there’s one message your mother drilled into your head it was you are to blame. Letting go of self-blame and forgiving yourself is a wonderful sign that you are healing from your mother.
I shouldn’t have said that to mom. You heal by telling yourself, I said that because I was hurt and damaged by my mother. What I said was perfectly okay to say and it’s time I learned to forgive myself. Write yourself a list of situations where you blame yourself. Rewrite them by standing up for yourself in that moment.
I was bullied at school, and I’m sorry I allowed that to happen. becomes I was a kid, and I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I forgive myself.
5. You Are Not Affected by Her Gaslighting, Guilt-Tripping, or Passive-Aggression
Does your mother guilt trip you into doing things? She may gaslight you or use passive-aggression when you deny herself. If you notice her bad behavior but don’t allow yourself to feel controlled by it, you are healing.
She says: “I must be a horrible mother if you’re so upset with me!” You think to yourself: “That’s what you said. You behave horribly to me and say things you know will upset me. That is not my problem.” Recognize what your mother is doing to try and manipulate you. Have a reply ready when she goes to her favorite tactics.
Related: 15 Traits of Daughters of a Narcissistic Mother
6. You Spend Time With People Who Support You
If you had a toxic mother, chances are you know how to be in other unhealthy relationships as an adult. Healing means you will find yourself wanting to be around people who build you up, not tear you down.
Connect with people who respect your boundaries and encourage positive changes. Surround yourself with loved ones that validate your feelings and understand when you need space. Distance yourself from people who manipulate you or your emotions. Make it a priority to be around friends who listen and care about you.
7. You Know Who You Are
If you had a narcissistic mother you probably buried your true self a long time ago to make her happy. Healing allows you to discover yourself again and become in tune with what you like and don’t like.
Maybe you reconnect with an old hobby or learn something new that interests you. You no longer do something just because someone expects you to.
Ask yourself questions such as: What are my passions? What do I like to do? Who are the things that matter to me? Write them down or create a vision board.
8. You Stop Trying To Please Everyone
People-pleasing is another common trait people with narcissistic mothers possess. Once you learn to put your wants and needs first you know you are healing from your mother.
You feel uncomfortable saying no, but you do it anyways. Remind yourself that your needs are just as important as anyone else’s. With time, you will gain more confidence in holding yourself higher on your list of priorities.
Say no to going out because you want to relax at home. You don’t need to feel guilty about spending time by yourself.
Related: 15 Common Signs of a Narcissistic Mother
9. You Can Reflect on Your Childhood Without Feeling Overwhelmed
In the beginning stages of your healing journey, when you allow yourself to think about your past, you may feel scared, ashamed, or furious. However, when you can look back on your childhood without those emotions consuming you, you are healing.
Journaling about your childhood or things you’ve learned in therapy no longer causes you to panic. You allow yourself to feel the feelings, but you don’t let them control you. You can analyze behavior patterns and figure out what you will not tolerate from others moving forward.
Practice grounding techniques when you think or talk about things that trigger you. Deep breathing, meditation, and talking it out with a friend can help you process your emotions healthily.
10. You Make Self-Care a Priority
Lastly, you know you are healing when you put your mental, emotional, and physical needs first. Self-care looks different for everyone, but making yourself a priority is self-compassion.
Take time to build a self-care routine you can practice every morning or night. It could be meditation, journaling, exercise, or taking a nap. Allow yourself to celebrate the small things.
You said something stood up for yourself? Treat yourself to a day of rest or your favorite show. You deserve to feel good about putting yourself first.
Conclusion
Every person healing from a narcissistic mother will heal at different rates. Some days you will feel stronger than others, and that is okay. Every time you identify how you’re feeling, set a boundary, or place yourself first is another day you are winning the battle against your mother.
You are healing when you learn to forgive yourself and your mother. You understand the relationship you two have was not healthy, but you refuse to let that past dictate how you live your life. Choose to love and value yourself every day.
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