Orji Chigozie HenryDaughters of narcissistic mothers often share certain personality traits. Those traits are results of growing up with a parent who may have been self-absorbed, controlling, emotionally unavailable, and highly invested in their appearance and reputation.
If you have a rude or strict mother, that does not automatically make her narcissistic. All parents have different styles of parenting. Many parents are imperfect but do not qualify as narcissists. Children of narcissists tend to adapt to their parent’s ego, need for control, reputation, or approval above their child’s emotional well-being and identity.
As daughters get older, they learn behavior that helps them survive their toxic childhood but also harms them as adults. They may struggle to feel confident in relationships, feelings of validity, and self-worth. Below are some characteristics you may identify with if you grew up with a narcissistic mother.
He who enjoys abusing power is probably someone who felt deprived of it.
Traits of Daughters of a Narcissistic Mother
1. Chronic Self-Doubt That Pursues You Into Adulthood
Children of narcissists often grew up trusting other people’s perspectives before trusting their own intuition. If you were told you were too sensitive as a child, had your accomplishments diminished or your mistakes amplified, you learned you could not trust yourself. Instead of being taught how to feel confident, you were manipulated into seeking your mother’s validation.
This can manifest into constantly questioning yourself as an adult. Simple decisions like what to wear or say can send you into analysis overdrive. You may ruminate over conversations that you had, worrying if you said something wrong. Many of us internally feel like we are broken or incompetent even when we are succeeding.
2. A Compulsive Need to Please Everyone Around You
Pleasing others became a survival tactic when you were little. If you only felt loved when you made good grades, behaved how your mother wanted, or made her look good, you probably learned to ignore your needs before others.
You may find yourself people pleasing as an adult by overextending yourself, saying yes when you want to say no, and feeling responsible for other people’s feelings. Your automatic response to someone may be to accommodate them to keep the peace. Approval is welcomed and perceived as safe. Disapproval feels threatening even if it doesn’t have to be.
Related: 15 Common Signs of a Narcissistic Mother
3. Fear of Being Criticized
Criticism may feel like a punch to the gut if you grew up with a narcissistic mother. Instead of processing your mother’s comments as useful information, your nervous system likely associates criticism with danger.
If your mother was constantly nitpicking, emotionally unpredictable with her feedback, or downright mean, any type of criticism feels like someone attacking your core being. You may feel embarrassed or shut down at the slightest hint of judgment. Constructive criticism or someone offering you their opinion can send you into anxiety.
4. They Have Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Boundaries were likely disrespected when you grew up. Your narcissistic mother may have jumped into your conversations without asking, told you what to do without asking, guilt-tripped you or tossed the ‘ selfish’ card your when you asserted yourself.
Setting boundaries as an adult can make you feel guilty or anxious. You spend so much time trying to please others and avoid rejection that setting a boundary feels wrong. You never had the opportunity to practice creating healthy boundaries as a child, so doing so can be unfamiliar.
5. Perfectionism and the Pressure to Overachieve
Overtime, you may have coped by becoming someone your mother bragged about. If praise was given when you did well in school, got straight As on your report card, or your mother could boast about your achievements, you internalized that you are only as worthy as your performance.
Perfectionism can look like overworking, working overtime, and feeling guilty when you do nothing. You may always be going after your next goal without ever feeling like you’ve accomplished enough. There will always be this inner voice telling you that you’re not enough, even when you succeed.
Understanding your triggers and learned behavior as a child can help you identify what areas of your life you’d like to improve and heal. A therapist can help you navigate your emotions and help you rebuild your sense of confidence and self-worth.
6. Low Self-Esteem and Constant Feelings of Inadequacy
When your mother compared you to others, criticized you for making mistakes, or never validated your emotion, your self-esteem was slowly chipped away at. A narcissistic mother may have pointed out what was wrong with you instead of helping you feel loved and accepted for who you were.
To this day, you may have a difficult time accepting compliments from others. Part of you will believe them because you know people are trying to help, but deep down you hear that annoying voice telling you that you’re not pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough. Low self-esteem is common for daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Related: 9 Signs You Might Be Dealing with a Narcissistic Person
7. They Never Feel Like They Fill Good Enough.
Emotional dependency was perhaps frowned upon in your household. If your mother put you down for needing attention, or made you feel guilty for wanting comforted and reassurance, you learned that your needs are bad.
As adults, you may have developed extreme independence. You hate asking for help, feel guilty when you need attention, and have learned to suppress your vulnerability. You pride yourself on being self-sufficient and handling your problems on your own. It feels me you can always depend on yourself.
8. They Suppress Their Emotions to Stay Safe
You learned to numb your emotions because expressing your felt unwanted or unsafe growing up. Whether your mom told you that you were being too sensitive, she ridiculed you when you got upset, or told you that you were being selfish for having emotions. You learned to suppress how you felt.
Many daughters of narcissistic mothers have a tough time identifying what they are feeling. You may tell yourself that you’re fine when you’re obviously not. You may feel guilty for feeling sad or tell yourself someone else has it worst. Emotional numbing was your way of coping as a child, but it keeps you from living as an adult.
9. Feeling guilty for having needs
It’s natural for human beings to want love, validation, and care. If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, you were told those very things were wrong. You learned you were being selfish for asking for attention or you had to always hide your struggles because your mom had it worse.
As adults, we subconsciously spend so much time trying to prove to others that we are not needy or demanding that it becomes second nature. You may think of yourself as needy or too demanding before someone else can even label you that way. Learning you having needs does not make you a bad person.
10. Attraction to Narcissistic or Emotionally Unavailable Partners
We subconsciously seek out love that is familiar to us. If childhood was filled with inconsistency, control, and lack of warmth from your mother, you may continuously find yourself in that same dynamic.
You may find yourself dating guys who are emotionally unavailable or narcissistic without understanding why. It’s not that you want to be hurt; your brain naturally attaches to that type of energy because that is what you knew growing up.
11. They Lose Sense of Their Identity
Your mother likely saw you as a reflection of herself, instead of a whole person with independent thoughts. You were probably told how to think instead of being allowed to form your own opinions. If your likes and interests didn’t match your mother’s, they were probably shut down.
You may have a difficult time answering questions about your hobbies and what you like. Perhaps making decisions has always been difficult for you because you were not allowed to create your own identity. A big part of healing is rediscovering who you really are.
12. Excessive Empathy That Comes at Your Own Expense
Many daughters of narcissistic mothers grew up reading their mothers mood before speaking up. You likely know how to calm someone down before they even get angry. You developed empathy from a young age because you wanted to avoid conflict.
As adults, you may have always been known as the peace keeper. You can sense any conflicts immediately and feel the need to defuse it. You may place other people’s feelings before your own because you’re so used to processing how others feel.
13. Fear of Being Abandoned
If your mom would give you grandiose praise one minute and then ignore you the next, you learn love is never permanent. Many narcissistic mothers love their children unconditionally when it’s beneficial for them. But when they don’t get their way, that love disappears.
Any form of abandonment was likely ingrained into you at a young age. You may constantly question your partners texting pattern or if they are suddenly distant. You might ghost someone before they ghost you or listen to their mom more than your own because you fear being left.
14. They Have a Hard Time Accepting Compliments
If your mom only praised you when it benefited her, you probably grew fearful of compliments. She may have told you how great you are to everyone’s faces but screamed at you inside the house. Why would you think someone is being genuine about complimenting you?
Many daughters of narcissists grow accustomed to accepting compliments with an automatic decline. You say things like thank you, I didn’t do much or oh it was nothing without realizing you do it. Learning how to accept a compliment is part of healing yourself.
15. Strong Desire to Break the Cycle and Heal
Growing up with a narcissistic mother can teach you many negative traits but you learn something positive as well. You are able to identify when other people are being narcissistic or toxic in your life. You’ll find yourself correcting friends when they say something that trigger you.
Many daughters will go into overdrive with their healing to ensure they don’t repeat the same mistakes with their friends, partners, or kids.
CONCLUSION
Children of narcissists are taught to believe that their emotions and feelings are wrong. But with time, you will learn that nothing that you feel or are going through is your faults.
There are always going to be parts of you that you struggle to understand why you think the way you do, but that’s okay.
You are allowed to feel the way you feel and not everyone is going to understand your journey. Do not be afraid to seek help and talk to someone about your emotions.
Healing takes time and you shouldn’t expect yourself to feel better tomorrow. Take baby steps towards your growth and be kind to yourself through the process.
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